Laments of the Untamed Heart

I finally finished watching In her shoes this morning while I was getting ready for work. I brought the dvd a few months back, hoping to get some quiet time at home and enjoy a movie marathon with some friends but never got around in doing it.

In her shoes is a story about two sisters that doesn't have anything in common except the blood that runs through their veins and a shoe size. They're two peas in a pod but just can't stand each other. Eventually, their relationship climax to an ultimate hate relationship until they find each other again as they, also, rediscover a long lost grandmother.

Watching it made me think of my sister, Rita.

We're three years apart and were the only siblings for quite some time until my brother was born seven years after her. We fought a lot as kids and have always been on the different ends of the spectrum. I don't think we ever actually considered each other as friends while growing up.

I don't know when things started to change but we eventually realized, we laugh more when we're together, that there are things that we don't need to say but we know we both understand. I've always been looking out after her, since I'm achi. But then I realized, all along, she had been looking after me as well.

Growing up, we couldn't stand being close to each other but I never thought that I would be so sad when she had to move away. I cried so hard when she left and even after. I still feel sad and shed a few tears whenever I remember her and would think that things would be so much better if I have around for the things are going on back home. We look forward for quick vacations she gets here and a quicker vacation that I get to do over in Boston.

In the movie, Rose, the older sister, naturally is the more responsible one, always looking out for her little sister, Maggi, who has learning disabilities and too happy-go-lucky for her own good.

I wish I could claim the same for me and my sister but I think I'm secure enough of myself to say that the situation is that of the opposite with me and Rita.

Rich has always been the responsible one while I have been the crazy, wacky, black sheep sister. Maybe that's why growing up with her made it seem so unbearable. But in all our differences, we were never envious of each other. I'm proud of my sister. She is the most talented singer and artist that I know. I don't know what she can actually be proud of with me but at the very least, I know that I can make her laugh and that's enough for me.

GangstaAnd like what Rose said about her sister, Maggi: without her, I don't make sense.

Take_me_seriously Its true. My humor and eccentricities makes more sense to my sister than any other person in this world.
I don't know if she reads my entries. I doubt if she does. But a poem was read by Maggi, Cameron Diaz's character in the movie that made me bawl even more. (I guess its worthy to note, that it's my sister that first find out that I'm the most iyakin among our family - which is true as well.) Anyway, I think this poem is appropriate for me and my sister as well specially now that she's miles away from me and my family.
i carry your heart with me
ee cummings
i carry your heart with me (i carry it in my heart)
i am never without it (anywhere i go, you go my dear;
and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
i fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet)
i want no world (for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secred nobody knows
(here is the root of the root, the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of the tree called life;
which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart
i carry your heart
(i carry it in my heart)

i'll cross the oceans for you, little sister...

i love you,
ate

Ally Mcbeal was the icon of every devas and neurotic females out there in the late 90's until the beginning of 2000.

Aside from the story lines, the music would always just be the right song for every mood and emotion - You belong to me and the random appearances of Al Green. At one point, I was able to complete all the sound tracks that came out. Eventually, I lost all of them.

Tuesday nights would not be complete without the dose of Ally Mcbeal. Relationships ended and started with Ally Mcbeal philosophies:

I may not know what I want but I think I have a good idea what I don't want.

My sister and I spent so many nights crying over the episodes when Ally's heart would break over the mere sight of his ex-boyfriend, love of her life and colleague, Billy. I still haven't gotten over the episode when 'Billy died with his last words saying I love you to Ally and Ally saying it to Billy's, at that time, ex-wife, Georgia, so as not to hurt her feelings.

It made me fall in love and have my heart broken again when Larry, the character that Robert Downey Jr. played, came into the Ally's life but eventually, left leaving a melting snowman in her steps clad with only her scarf.

The tragedies of my love life made so much sense through Ally Mcbeal's life. While I never believed that she can really wear those ultra mini skirt suits in a courtroom, much less in that cold Boston weather, watching that show made the pains of lost love seem not to be so unbearable.

This is my Ode to Ally Mcbeal.

I'm hooked on feeling
by Vonda Shepherd

I can’t stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
Boy you just don’t realize
What you do to me

Your lips are sweet as candy
The taste is on my mind
You just keep my thirsty
For another cup of wine

When you hold me
In you arms so tight
You let me know
Eveything’s alright

I, I’m hooked on a feeling
I’m high on believing
That you’re in love with me

I’ve got it bad for you, darling
But I don’t need a cure
I’ll just stay addicted
And hope I can endure

All the good love
When we’re all alone
Keep it up, boy
Yeah you turn me on

I, I’m hooked on a feeling
I’m high on believing
That you’re in love with me

When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything’’s alright

I, I’m hooked on a feeling
I’m high on believing
That you’re in love with me

I said I’m hooked on a feeling...

First time I heard this song I believe was in my sister's dorm room while getting ready to leave for California. The melody got me really sad and sentimental specially since I'll be leaving my sister behind in Boston and won't get to see her in 8 months. But listening to the song I rediscovered another feeling that I have not felt for quite some time - I fell in love.

Listening to the words along with the music, I found myself looking forward for that time I'll be able to dedicate and sing this song to "the one". It made me ask myself what kind of man - and not who - will it take me to make me feel the way this song has made me feel.

Guaranteed, this song will be played on my wedding day (note to the devas ;p)